Posted by: Eating The Road | November 9, 2009

The All-Inclusive All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Guide

2010 Update: A while back I wrote this guide to help instruct and direct the avid eater on the best possible plan of attack on the ever so amazing wonder that is the All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet. With the New Year upon us all your co-workers are trying to stick to their resolutions (even though they’ll slip within the week) and your gyms are probably packed with all the Oprah watching, bandwagon jumping people who feel guilty about their “Holiday weight.” Well I say we laugh in the face of convention. Let us not celebrate the the New Year with self-abnegation…let us embrace overindulgence instead. Let us celebrate what makes this nation great so great. We are Americans and we must wear that title with pride! Here I present to you an updated version of the most thorough, comprehensive guide on how to get the most for your money. Eat on my friends. Oh…and you can thank me later.

Head over to Top Cultured to read the new and improved 2010 All-Inclusive All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Guide.

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Responses

  1. Here it is, world. Do you wonder why Americans are so f@#&*! fat? This is the answer you were looking for.

    • It’s called ‘satire’, asshat!

      • ass hat lol , You from Mississippi :)

  2. I think I love you.

  3. Well done sir. This reminds me of my youth.

    Now I want to go back to Super Great Wall Buffet, which is across the street from Great Wall Buffet.

    And no, those two places are not related.

  4. Upon experiencing my first Chinese buffet during my college days, I was eating from buffets in the area on a near weekly basis.

  5. Witnessing a small child vomit a couple of feet from my table almost deterred me from gorging myself at a well-known American buffet restaurant.

  6. “You go now, there no more food for you”

  7. “sweat & sour sauce”…mmm, my favorite.

  8. Huh. How much do you weigh, anyway?

  9. nothing against gorging. gorging is GREAT. but you had to go and deconstruct it and just be a general cunt about the whole thing?

    god, i hate you. you’re like the zack hample of buffets.

  10. Re Sushi all you can eat, they often make the sushi with a ton of rice and thin slices of fish, and will raise a stink if you don’t eat the rice (aka cheap filler). Consider bring a large purse or murse (man purse) so you can eat the fish and stash the rice in it (you may want to buy a cheap second hand one for reasons of smell and cleaning).

  11. Truly an epic post. Well done indeed. Love the reactions from the Anti-Fatty Offenderati who can’t seem to wrap their narrow minds around the concept of “satire.”

  12. I can’t seem to decide if this is supposed to be serious or funny. I really hope it’s the latter of the two.

    Who really puts that much thought into a buffet?

  13. I went to a Chinese buffet once but after witnessing more than one (adult) person grabbing tempura shrimp with their bare hands I decided to leave well enough alone. :D

  14. This is the most comprehensive all-you-can-eat buffet I have seen yet. Bravo!

  15. Its look so delicious …!

  16. Do you have any suggestions especially for a college buffet environment? I’m a senior in high school, and currently visiting a lot of colleges, and therefore all you can eat dining halls. Thanks!

  17. you forgot the rodizio / churrascuria buffet!!

  18. “I recommend first getting a soup bowl (or the largest available bowl), filling it with ice cream and returning it to the table. ”

    This is my stragety at Sweet Tomatoes. I hate how they try to control you by providing pathetically puny desert bowls. I grab the soup bowl for desert. That way, I can cram the ice cream, pudding and requisite brownie at the bottom in one trip.

  19. This is geat! I know its a joke, but imma use it anyways!

  20. Heh, very nice. Even though this is satire, when I may want to fill up, this may be a good thing to remember.

    Note: I’m a 5’8″, 130lbs, 7% body fat cross country runner. I’m allowed to gorge!

    • Allowed? So those that are not fit and athletic are not allowed?

      More likely the fit ones don’t need to be belittled for their eating habits but for the less fit it would be okay. (sigh)

      • You are correct, and if you’re offended by his comment, well, stop and think about why.

      • yes fat boy.

  21. Its like the ultimate game plan for the gorge of a lifetime.

    Oh and by the way….all American’s are fat.

  22. sweety jesus I am hungry

  23. i heared the room tempreture has an effect on how much one eats at all you can eat restaurabts

  24. > you forgot the rodizio / churrascuria buffet!!
    No, you just didn’t read the second paragraph under the “Ethnic” category.

    > Oh and by the way….all American’s are fat.
    Peut être, but at least some of us know how to use apostrophes.

    • Though your use of hypens is peut-être a little bit off…

  25. GENIUS

  26. Remember to watch for changes in price and menu around meal time changes. For example, a popular Vegas buffet based on a French city, change from Breakfast to Lunch at 11:00am. The cost difference is roughly $6pp. If you arrive at 10:30am, you get to sample the breakfast fare, rest, and enjoy the lunch menu at a reduced price.

  27. “The football size dining rooms at least make you feel as if you’re burning off some calories as you walk back and forth from your table to the buffet.”

    I think you mean football-field sized!

  28. Ha, awesome.

  29. The Art of the Buffet OR All You Can Eat is Not a Challenge

    http://buffets.blogspot.com/

    Above is the link to a blog that is even more comprehensive than this eatingtheroad.com post.

    I went to the Wynn Buffet in Las Vegas on October 27 just before they start charging the dinner price. People were standing in line, hoping to get the lunch price, so management opened up two other registers, so people could be seated at the lower price. That was extraordinary.

    The food was amazingly well prepared and good.

  30. Spectacular. Pure and simple.

  31. You sick, (presumably) fat f#@%.

  32. I don’t use the word hero very often, but you sir are the greatest hero in American history.

  33. As a small girl reknowned for her massive eating abilities, I thought this comprehensive guide was GOLDEN. So true and funny!

    Jetsetting Joyce

  34. You have answered all of my buffet strategy questions in one fell swoop. Outstanding.

  35. Living in NYC, I like to pretend sometimes that NO ONE has pizza buffets, that’s it’s not just me missing out on them. But then I read this and was reminded that substandard or no, a pizza buffet is the greatest of all buffets, and my life isn’t worth living.

  36. You left out the part about carving a few nice slices of fresh turkey and putting them in one’s purse to take home to the kitties.

  37. I read a few topics. I respect your work and added blog to favorites.

  38. Damn, dude.

    Damn.

  39. hoping to get the lunch price, so management opened up two other registers, so people could be seated at the lower price.

  40. Unnecessary apostrophe alert! In the sentence “Allow other’s the right of way” there should be no apostrophe in others.

    How do I know? The rules are simple.

    Possessive: use apostrophe (example: I wrecked my brother’s car)
    Plural: do NOT use apostrophe (example: my brothers, Joe and Mike, are coming over for dinner)

    So in this case, “Allow others the right of way” would be correct.

    Now you know too!

  41. A Sub-SUB Section of ethnic buffet (related to the brazilian BBQ type places) that’s unmentioned, perhaps due to its extreme locality, is the Korean BBQ all-you-can eat places.

    Typically for $10~$20 plus tax, you get to cook up and eat as much Korean BBQ as your little (or distended) stomachs allow. This is mostly Los Angeles and local suburban areas, though this may have changed recently.

    Of course, you will need to have a hearty appetite for Flank (thinly sliced) and uncured, unsalted bacon to take advantage of the $10 price.

  42. THIS is madness.
    (no sparta joke please)

  43. Fantastic! I have shared your post on my blog. http://heresyourtipblog.blogspot.com

  44. Valuable thoughts and advices. I read your topic with great interest.

  45. Well Done!

  46. Ists Look so delicious ,,,…! hmmm Yummy

  47. @Adriana, you appear to know what you’re talking about. Would you mind shooting me your mail address? I would like to talk more with you.

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  51. Yum Yum… mouth watering

  52. This is one hell of a flow chart. I’ve seen a similar one for guys and gals when they want to choose a dress to go out. For girls, it’s as complex as this one where as for guys, it’s really simple!

    Anyways, kudos to whoever put the genuine effort

  53. Every time I come to eatingtheroad.wordpress.com you have another fascinating post to read. A friend of mine was telling me about this topic several weeks ago, so I think I’ll e-mail my friend the link here and see what they say.

  54. Well, we not only need to eat healthy, but also fun!

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